Learning to forgive the greatest hurts in our past life can easily elude us for many years into our future and for some, not at all. Just the very mention or suggestion of such a concept can send us receding back into the dark corners and empty rooms of our hearts and minds that temptingly offer us solace but never seem to be able to provide the comfort we so desperately need. As a child and very young teen I was sexually abused over a period of years, many who read this will immediately feel the sting of a similar experience. In fact it's so common that some experts report that one in three of us regardless of gender or background, religion or race, have walked this path. The damaged caused by an experience like this can last a long, long time, and for some an eternity. The shame brought about creeps into every thought and experience we will go on later to have in our lives. Who will find out, who would ever believe me, who could I ever trust to share such a heavy burden.
I can tell you from the position of personal exposure that this sort of thing pays very negative dividends well past the incident.Attempting to keep something like this quiet seems to be the most common approach, after all who are we going to tell? What I have learned through my experience is that the keeping of the secret is often harder than the actual ordeal, for the devil loves a secret in our lives and it ends up becoming the prison for in which we never see any hope of parole. Most that I have spoken with who have endured abuse of any sort but especially sexual go on for years and years asking themselves the same series of questions as they search for reason, in an unreasonable situation.
1.) Did I do something that caused this to happen to me?
2.) Why didn't I stop it or rather why wasn't I strong enough to make them stop?
3.) Who in the world would believe me today after all this time has passed?
4.) Who would take the word of a child of something this inflammatory over the word of an older person or as in most cases a well loved and respected adult?
5.) Will this forever define me as who I am?
6.) Will I go onto do something this horrific to another person?
7.) If people find out will they be ashamed of me?
8.) Is it possible for me to ever feel safe or even normal again?
9.) Am I required to protect not only my secret but that of my abuser also?
10.) Why was there no one to come and rescue me when I needed it the most?
These are only my ten, I have no doubt that there are millions of others asked from the hearts of the innumerable "others" who bear these same scars. The door can appear to remain at least partially open a lifetime, almost impossible to close and walk away from. What I have learned is that unless you the one who has been hurt forgives the one who hurt you, freedom will never come, it only moves further away as we seek to subtly approach it from a blind side. As you read this no doubt you have a myriad of emotions, ranging from surprise to tears, depending upon your position on the subject. I would like to be able to say there are one or two easy steps and if you'll just follow my advice all will be well with your heart and memory, however that I cannot do. At the risk of sounding philosophical, the road to recovery is filled with many hills and valleys and quite a few hairpin curves.
My road has been no different and I would never dare to surmise as to what you should do because I don't know the particulars of your experience. I will share that my path included a number of things that nearly were responsible for my personal death as well as the death of many of the greatest relationships that I've seen develop in my life since. Certainly we could agree that entering into puberty and coming to some understanding of our individual sexuality is hard enough if everything goes right, add into the mix something like this and it's all the more difficult to figure out. Therefore I went onto abuse alcohol, drugs, became hyper promiscuous, and even a suicide attempt, all in an effort to self-medicate my way past my past. Nothing worked and if you can align yourself with any of these methods you can bear witness that they didn't work with you either.
I carried this burden into the greatest relationship I had ever had, and to this day that is still true, I'm speaking of my relationship and subsequent marriage to my wonderful wife Leslie. I was so broken on the inside when we met however had also developed incredible masking skills to hide the damage from plain sight. As you may attest in your life, once you find the "one" eventually the truth of who and what you really are begins to leak out and head for the surface. This was the exact case with us and it scared me more than the secret itself ever had. Leslie was the greatest love I had ever known and my fear was that if she really knew about my scars she would leave. That's the thing about fear, founded or unfounded it all feels the same and can paralyze any of us when exposed.
Not only did she not leave, she vowed to keep the secret with me and did for many years, willing to wait on my healing and constantly pick up the broken pieces of my spirit and heart that never could seem to stabilize. Our lives changed when we both became Christians, she first and then I a year later. We both tried to move past our pasts respectively and seek what the Father would have us do with our newly discovered lives. Several years, two children, and three or four moves seasoned us we both as we began to sense that God was calling us into ministry of some sort and we pursued. After a few years of training and learning I was trying my best to absorb every piece of knowledge available. My job at the time was driving a "big truck" or tractor-trailer for those of you who don't speak that lingo. I remember that day as if it were this afternoon, I was driving down the same highway I drove everyday pulling the same set of double trailers that I pulled everyday when like a ton of bricks I feel in my heart that God Himself was speaking to me and as that was passing through my mind it went something like this. You will never move to the next place with Me unless you forgive_____________. This was preceded with what just about became worst traffic accident of the day in rural Alabama. I slammed on the brakes and came to a screeching halt along the roadside and at the top of my lungs screamed in a most irreverent fashion, YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME! Maybe You've got Your facts mixed up, I was the victim here and I'm not about to go back into that mess. Besides where were You when all of this was happening? I grabbed up my Bible and began to tear through passages desperately searching for something to support my anger filled argument.
Oh yeas, here it is in Matthew 19:14 Jesus said, "let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these", or how about Mark 9:42, "And if anyone causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him to be thrown into the sea with a large millstone tied around his neck". Both of these verses sound like You of all people love and protect children, so where were You? All I have to say is, where were You? My apologies if this line of speaking sounds rash or even rude but I personally have always believed that God has big shoulders and isn't afraid of me or you in the slightest. Once this was out of my system and I calmed down a bit I heard Him again and this time it was like this. Yes I know you were hurt and I know you've been covering it a long time. What I am saying to you today is that you can't move forward with this in your bag, you must remove it and leave it here, walk away and stop carrying it or you'll never be free and it will go onto effect everything else you will do for Me. Upon hearing that I knew that my only option was forgiveness, not because I was suddenly overcome with compassion or spiritually, I assure you neither was true. I did understand however that this was a crossroads moment and if I didn't do exactly this I couldn't move forward. So I did it, right there on the side of the interstate, left it and drove away. Was it easy? No it wasn't and even though that has been over 15 years ago now it's still not easy and it still crosses my mind.
Interesting choice of words here, Cross. As I see it, when you or I lay our lives at the foot of the Cross and accept what Christ has done for each of us we make a trade and that trade is our entire life and existence which includes every heartbreak or joy we've ever had. We traded it all for His atoning blood and His forgiveness and therefore we cannot go back and pick it up when we feel the need. Am I suggesting that you will forget it, not hardly, or at least that's not been my experience. But forgiveness is your only way out, it's never about the other person, it's about you and your freedom.
Shut the Door,
pk
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